Apparently not enough guys out there have the message. A girl’s body is not a plaything. They are not objects to be tossed around between friends at a party, nor silly things to be manipulated and photographed for laughs later on.

Too many women have been hurt when young men around them forgot this. Their lives have been damaged beyond imagination. Two high school guys in Stubenville, Ohio are in jail because of this. Three more from Northern California have been arrested in a different incident, and four others in yet another soon will be in Nova Scotia for being similarly thick-headed and not understanding this message. A girl’s body is not a plaything.

The big question is: What’s the difference between these guys and you? The answer: It’s up to you.

The harm and the pain these guys caused could not be undone. This sort of wrong can’t be brushed away with “we were only joking”, “we were just fooling around”, “we didn’t mean to”, or “things got out of hand”. They did things to these girls’ without consent, they assaulted them, and they took photos like it was a fun game to share memories of later.

They probably never meant to act like monsters. In the same way you would probably never want to do something so horrible. There is no saying for sure, but like most guys they probably thought of themselves as just goofing off at a party with their friends. But when they failed to treat these girls with the respect any human being deserves, they crossed the line. A girl’s body is not a plaything. By ignoring that fact many people now experience hurt and loss.

It’s up to you to separate yourself from these young men and their acts. But saying, “I’d never do that” isn’t enough. Most guys think that. But as the news has shown us far to often recently, it still happens.

It’s never okay to do something to a girl without her permission. It’s called consent. If you don’t have it, what’s happening is wrong. Without a “yes” what’s happening is illegal.

Alcohol confuses things. Someone can’t say “yes” freely when they’ve consumer alcohol. Taking advantage of the lack of judgment that occurs after consuming alcohol is wrong. Doing something to them when they’re drunk or passed out is illegal.

If you see other’s doing something wrong, don’t let it happen. If you know it’s wrong, speak up. It can be hard, but imagine if one of the guys, any of the guys in the situations mentioned above had just said, “Hey, I don’t think this is okay”, “This isn’t right”. “We should stop”, or “This isn’t funny and we shouldn’t be doing this.” A lot of people’s lives would be very different.

There are no excuses to be made. There is nothing to be done to make the situation okay. There is no one to blame but the boys. They didn’t understand A girl’s body is not a plaything and now a lot of people are suffering for it. So, will you understand? Will you make sure others do?

From: Toby

Hi, I am 15 and I haven’t had my first kiss yet. Can you help?

H.U.S.H. Response:

If you haven’t had your first kiss we don’t know yet how you’re doing. We want to send you into your kiss feeling confident and suave.

Fake confidence. You have to make your move knowing you are the smoothest kisser in the world. The flip side is you have to be okay with being rejected. Being turned down for a kiss is not the end of the world. Think of it like asking someone for $100 bill. It’s going to be the best if you get it, but if they refuse, you haven’t really lost anything.

Make the move. Wait for a lull in the conversation you’re having. Keep your eyes locked to hers and think about how beautiful she is to give yourself a dreamy smile. Begin to lean in. Close your eyes only once your noses are almost touching and only think about letting your lips touch hers.

If it’s your first kiss – less is more. Don’t worry about tongue or extended mouth-to-mouth contact. Move in, let your lips land on hers lightly, pucker your lips, press into her with passion for just a second, and then break away. Start small. Leave something to the imagination. You’ll have plenty of time to make out later.

Practice on a pillow. Practice on your hand. Practice to the mirror. Lock the door before you do any of this.

When it comes to kissing with tongue it’s up to you to come up with your own style. Our guide tries to break down step by step one repetitive movement that is the basic for making out, but it’s up to you to come up with your own technique. Here are some other ways to think about kissing.

Part your lips just slightly and let just the tip of your tongue poke out ever-so-slightly. Once it’s out try flicking it delicately against her tongue or lips. Again start small. Do this for a second before you reel it back in.

Let her take the lead. If you’re unsure, stick to the very basics. Allow her to lead the way as you two lock lips. Once she has done a few things try to imitate something she does with her mouth. Each girl is different. But most kiss the way they likes to be kissed, so do your best to mimic slightly.

With one girl, after kissing her a few times and holding back from using too much tongue, it’s okay to admit you want some guidance. “Hey I really like kissing you, but I’m a little new to this. Will you show me what you like?” Asking will often get you the answer on how to do it best – but sometimes it’s nice to know the person a bit before you let them know you’re feeling slightly clueless.

Thanks for reading and I hope some of this helps,

H.U.S.H.

Have your own question you want answered? Ask it here.

Getting dumped sucks. In some cases, even being the one who breaks up with the other person sucks. Relationships can be enjoyable and when they end it sucks. But in most cases, a relationship that ended was meant to be finished. If it’s over, it’s over. And you have got to make sure you are okay with that.

One thing that lures us back to a broken relationship is remembering all the things about it we used to like. We think about fun dates, first kisses, and smiling lovingly into each other’s eyes. This Doesn’t Help! It’s easier to think about all the nice things and ignore what made us or the other person unhappy all the time.

So here is what you can do to help. After a breakup, once you’re done coping with the first wave of feelings, write down 5-10 things about the relationship that you did not enjoy. It can be things like, she was kind of mean to my friends, I didn’t like how jealous she could get, or she kissed kind of weird.

Now the next time you wind up moping about and thinking how maybe you and your ex should get back together you have something clear to point to that will help you remember why being in that relationship is not a good idea.

Move on. There will be more people. You don’t need to be in relationships that don’t work.

Valentine’s Day is tomorrow. If you’re reading this that probably means you’re strapped for last minute ideas to show your girlfriend how much she means to you. There aren’t a lot of big things you can do with a 24-hour turn-around period. But that’s okay. You can be more serious about showing her how much she means to you by thinking small and being sincere.

There have been a lot of posts here on H.U.S.H. to help guys out in the gift-giving department before. Check out our Five Most Important Tips:

1. Before you do anything else, hand-write her a letter about your feelings for her. It’s simple and small, but powerful.
2. Call her first thing in the morning tomorrow when you wake up and tell her you appreciate having her in your life. Don’t get too mushy, just be real. Check our post on how to give her compliments for some help.
3. Take her out on a date. It doesn’t have to be big, fancy, nor expensive. Just show her that spending alone time with her means something to you.
4. Even better than taking her out could be cooking her a meal yourself. Get some help in the kitchen if you need it and have a backup plan incase everything gets burned.
5. If you are getting her a gift, learn the tricks of how to present it to her. Whatever gift you get be creative with it.

Want to clear your gift idea with HUSH? Give us an email at hush@hookingupandstayinghooked.com.

Everybody feels a little bit insecure. Sometimes lots of us feel like we don’t know how to act in certain social settings. Every now and then talking to a stranger or a pretty girl can be intimidating. Don’t let any of these things stand in your way. If you’re feeling shy it’s time to get over it.

If you want to feel confident talking to girls, it’s time to get comfortable in your own skin. Speaking to other people is a part of the game. The more you practice the better you’ll feel in the future.

We’ll start small with a homework assignment. You have one week to do the following five things. They are simple. There is very little risk. In many cases you don’t even have to come up with anything very original on your own. But once you do them you’ll learn what your strengths are when talking to people and feel less pressure the next time you’re talking to someone you’re attracted to.

1. Compliment a cashier.

It doesn’t have to be about anything big or important. Just say something nice to someone you don’t know. Get used to letting nice words come out of your mouth.

• Hey, I really like your glasses.
• Thanks so much. You’ve been really helpful today and I appreciate it.
• Is it always this busy? You guys are doing awesome with such a big crowd.

If you start a conversation over this, great. If not, all you’ve done is make someone feel good about themselves briefly.

2. Ask for a recommendation.

This is a great way to practice starting a line of friendly questioning. Eventually, when you’re flirting with a girl, you’ll want to learn more about her. Sometimes that means learning about a person’s opinions.

• Which do you think is better, the mint chocolate chip ice cream or the coffee chocolate chunk?
• Have you heard the rest of her new album? Is it any good?
• Should I get the French fries with this or the tater tots?

It doesn’t matter if you really need an opinion. Don’t feel pressure to follow their advice. You just want to try asking someone what he or she thinks. Easy.

3. Hold the door for someone.

This one is as simple as being a decent person. But it’s a simple opportunity to say something simple. They say, “thanks.” You say,

• No problem. How is your day going?
• You’re welcome. You look like you’re in a hurry.
• Sure. It’s so nice to be inside with all the crappy weather outside.

Small talk. Lots of bigger conversations start here, so you should feel comfortable reciting the basics.

4. Ask someone what they are reading.

You might need to find a library for this. Or find yourself sitting across from someone on the bus with a book.

• Hey, what is that you’re reading?
• Is it any good? Are you liking it?

Most people are happy to share what their interests are in this way. Sometimes someone won’t open up, but that is part of the learning process too. You have to be okay if people don’t want to talk to you as well.

5. Sit next to someone you don’t know.

Maybe it’s at lunch. Maybe it’s on the bus. Maybe it’s during an assembly. Just sit next to someone you don’t know very well and find something to comment on.

These five exercises won’t fix everything. They won’t automatically make you the most outgoing person ever. But they will help you get over that hump and start feeling better speaking to people you don’t know.

You’ve got one month. Get to it and do all five!

HUSH is here to help you be a better guy. To do this, you’ve got to rid yourself of all the bad boy behaviors we often feel pressured to do. Take note of our ongoing series, Things Jerks Do, and avoid these actions. You’re not going to be perfect. But you certainly won’t be a jerk. Here it is, Volume 5:

Always hang out with his friends, refuse to hang out with hers.

Ideal relationships involve an equal give and take. You spend some time alone. You spend some time with your friends. You spend some time with her friends. Some dudes, however, refuse to do anything that involves their girlfriend and her bigger group of friends. This can make her feel isolated. This can make her feel like you don’t respect her or who she surrounds herself with. Even if they aren’t your favorite people in the world they are still her friends. You’ve still got to put in some face time with the people that are important to her.

Demand Naked Pics

It’s fun to feel turned on by someone you’re dating. But bullying them into doing things they’re not comfortable doing is a real dirtbag move. Asking a girl you’re seeing to email/text photos of herself without clothing on is not okay. If your girlfriend is under 18, naked pictures of her are actually illegal (to make, send or have). But that usually doesn’t stop too many people. If you’re patient, you’ve got a good chance of seeing her naked in person somewhere down the line. Don’t be a jerk and pressure her into sending you photos now.

Always think there is someone else better

You know that feeling when you’re at a party and the person you’re talking to keeps looking around the room or over your shoulder? It feels like they’re throwing it in your face and looking for someone more interesting than you. You don’t want that feeling in your relationship and neither does anyone else. Some guys make their girls feel this way – by always checking out other girls, by flirting with others frequently, by refusing to commit with someone they’ve been seeing, or by talking about other girls around the one they’re dating. It hurts feelings and it’s not fun for the other person. Stay away or be deemed a jerk.

Seen some behavior in boys that makes you cringe? Send us an email and tell us about it. Let’s eliminate the jerks in our lives!

Image source: girlshealth.gov

The what now? The Vulva. V-U-L-V-A! Lots of people refer to a woman’s sex parts as the “vagina” – but vagina is only one specific part of her internal reproductive anatomy. Don’t worry, we’ll explain the vagina soon enough, but let’s start with what you can see.

The vulva is everything outside the body you see between a woman’s legs.

Outer Labia: This is the fatty tissue on either side of the vaginal opening. “Labia” is a really old word for lips. That might help you remember it. Outer labia usually have hair.

Inner Labia: These are the small flaps of skin behind the outer labia. They can swell and get darker when she is turned on. They come in all different shapes and sizes. They are sensitive.

Different labia can make each woman look very different down there. This drawing gives a good example of the diversity that is out there.

Clitoris: Above the urethra, and the vaginal opening, this hides underneath the hood of skin that the inner labia form at the top. Because there are so many nerve endings here, this spot is usually very sensitive and can make a woman feel very good if touched in the right way. Each woman has her own right way.

Urethra: Same as in boys, this is where pee comes out.

Vaginal Opening: This is a different hole in the female reproductive anatomy that is for sex, menstruation, and child birth. Things a girl wants to go into the vagina go in, blood during her period and babies when she’s giving birth come out.

Important things to keep in mind:

• Every woman’s is different. Shape, size, smell, touch, taste, color, hair, sensitivity, wetness, etc. If you get to interact with one, don’t think the next one will do everything the same.
• Some people make a big deal out of the clitoris – like all you have to do is poke at it and it makes a girl orgasm. (Sidenote: don’t poke at it! This is not the Staples Easy Button!) Sorry, but you’re going to have to ask each one how she likes to be touched and where. Some girls won’t know and that’s okay. Now you two get to explore what feels good together.
• You don’t get to critique what she looks like down there. Any negative comments would be the equivalent of her telling you that you had a nasty looking little weenie. Try to find the beauty in each!
• Always start out gentle if you’re touching her there.
• If you and she become close enough and have an intimate connection, you should ask if you can just look and appreciate her vulva.
• Ask her what she likes it to be called. We have a lot of bad words for the vagina/vulva and she may not like hearing them. If you’re going to refer to it you should use the word she prefers.

Learn more about the vulva other places at sites like Planned Parenthood, Scarleteen, or Wikipedia. The more you know about her parts the more she will appreciate your expertise.

Still have questions? Ask them here.

From: Joey

So I used to be very friendly with this girl in the grade below me for a while, but after some necessary class changes I began seeing her less in school so we never really committing to being anything more than casual acquaintances. However, I’ve always been interested so last night I pulled the trigger and we hooked up at a party, nothing special just second base. I wouldn’t mind pursuing this further to see where things go whether that means a relationship or just more action, so how should I go about doing this?  24-hour rule? Longer? Call or text? Being older than her carries a lot of weight at my school, so I think I have an advantage there. Thanks for the well-appreciated help!

H.U.S.H. Response:

It sounds like you’re set. Yes you want to play it cool and not act overly eager – you could scare her off with being too into pursuing her – but you don’t have to agonize over how she feels about you. You two have always been friendly and enjoyed each other’s company. Now after this party you know that she finds you physically attractive after the two of you have hooked up.

You’ve got the fun factor and the physical chemistry. The ingredients are all there!

If you haven’t already, shoot her a text and tell her you had a great time last week. Don’t swoon much more than that but tell her you hope to hang out with her again soon. If she responds well, leave it for a day and then ask her out somewhere soon.

When you two hang out again mention that you were bummed when you saw her less because of class rescheduling. Don’t go into it much more than that – just drop the clue that you think about her when she’s not around and being near her is something you enjoy.

If this first date goes well you can handle it from there. Just remember you can take this slow. You’re both interested in each other. Remind yourself of this fact. Some guys get too eager and immediately jump into really chasing after a girl. Or some guys try to play it too cool and wind up acting like a disinterested jerk in a girl that actually liked them. You don’t have to do any of this. Just take a deep breath and move forward at a comfortable pace.

No go ahead. Take the next step.

Thanks for reading and I hope some of this helps,

H.U.S.H.

Have your own question you want answered? Ask it here.

We want girls to think we’re hot. We want them to say “yes” to our date invitations. We want them to tell their friends about how cool we are. The guys with all the sweet gear and good looks make it seem so easy. But you don’t need all of that for success with the ladies. We’ll help you do without all the fancy extras in our ongoing series, You Don’t Need.

Nice Car? Nope. Not what you need to get girls.

Yes. It is fun to cruise around in a shiny ride. But the wheels don’t do the wooing. It’s the who drives that does. Girls won’t make out with an exhaust pipe. They won’t talk to a carburetor on Skype. Just because you don’t have a cool car doesn’t mean you can’t rev her engine.

Public Transportation:

Live in the city? Take the bus/subway when you’re going places? Don’t sulk. Sure, there is less privacy. But now you have free hands! Find a way to initiate some touch. Sit close to her and let your knees touch. Connect hand-to-hand. Let her fall into you when a bump makes you loose balance. These little connections are more romantic than being separated in the front seats of a car.

Mom or Dad at the Wheel:

Sure, having a parent play chauffer doesn’t help you feel smooth. But it doesn’t mean a completely unsexy night is ahead. Check out our tips for keeping cool when someone else is driving.

Driving a Junker:

So your ride sucks. Who cares? You can still make her feel like a princess in a magic carriage. Get out of the car when you pick her up. Open a door for her. Make sure the interior isn’t too messy (you still might make out in here). Don’t let its flaws make you feel wimpy. Laugh about its flaws with her. Everyone looks good when they drive confidently.

If you take her on dates that are fun and engaging she’ll remember that more than the drive. And if you think cruising around in a beautiful ride and picking up chicks happens anywhere other than the movies, please find other ways to find females. Do you. Without all the extras. As long as you focus on you and her you’ll do fine.

Hooking Up & Staying Hooked has a mission: Give guys the info and advice they need for success in sex and relationships. This would not be complete without giving you a guide to all the body parts involved in getting intimate.

The decision to hook up and how far to go is up to you and your partner. Don’t rush into it. Think about it. Take it seriously. Each time. And if you do decide to fool around and explore each other’s bodies, you AND she are going to have way more fun if you know how these bodies work.

Every body is different but you should know basics of fronts, backs, insides, and outsides. So check back in for our explanation of each important body part (his & hers) that will come into play. This is the Essential Anatomy to Hooking Up & Staying Hooked.

Some people make resolutions at the start of a new year – a promise to themselves to do something new, do something better, or to be happier with themselves. Here at HUSH we believe that if you’re going to improve yourself or your situation any day is a good day to start. But if you have a sex or relationships related resolution for 2013 we are here to help you out.

Figuring out female anatomy? We’ll give you some guidance.

Getting a girlfriend? Look out for our advice.

Plan to be the Best Boyfriend Ever? We’ll support you.

Want more confidence? We’ve got your back.

2013 is your year. So stay tuned through facebook. Tell a friend about the website. Feel free to ask a question of your own. And most importantly, keep reading. Hooking Up & Staying Hooked is here to help.

From: Frank

So, I met this person and we flirt and talk all the time. Except we are two very awkward people. When I asked her out she initially said yes, but when I asked her what she wanted to do, she said “I really like you, but I think it would be just too awkward”. She is scared about the awkwardness. What should I do?

H.U.S.H. Response:

Awkwardness is okay!

You two are not the smoothest operators in the group. You have both named the problem. You get it. Now it’s time to figure out what it is you want and go for it. You’ll both have to push a bit and ignore the slight discomfort as you try to introduce a little romance into your routine.

You like her. She likes you. What do you want from that? Maybe to spend time together knowing that the other person thinks you’re special. To enjoy trying new things together. To share thoughts about things in your lives with someone who’s there to listen. And maybe to have some physical contact with someone interested in you.

So you’ll both be a little awkward around each other while you figure out how to do these things. So what? You can share the experience of being awkward! You’re both in the same boat so you know the other won’t judge you and that there is still a feeling of affection behind the weirdness.

Ask her out again. Agree that it will be awkward. But acknowledge that you like her enough for that not to matter. Suggest a date yourself – something simple where you two don’t have to keep the conversation going yourselves. Maybe a movie followed by some food. Or maybe a big country fair or community event happening on the weekend.

It’s worth it. So go for it. Awkwardness is okay.

Thanks for reading and I hope some of this helps,

H.U.S.H.

Have your own question you want answered? Ask it here.

Got a girlfriend? Have no idea what to get her this holiday season? We’re halfway through December so it’s time to think quick. Keep these tricks in mind and you’ll make her feel special without dropping much cash.

Ask Her Friends

Get the ideas flowing by finding out from her friends what she wants. Most likely, they have ideas that are out of your price range or unoriginal but they can at least steer you in the right direction.

Thrift Store Finds

These places often have retro jewelry she won’t find anywhere else for prices you’d find at a yard sale. Take your time. Check the tags. Look for something that might help her recall a special memory you two shared.

Something to Write In

Breaking away from screens and keyboards brings a romantic touch to most things. You could give her some sort of journal and leave a special hand-written note in the first page (practice a few times in pencil before you put the final draft in pen). If you two don’t live in the same town you could get her a pack of delicate stationary that you split in two and promise to send each other romantic love letters.

Double Check With a Girl

When you do decide on something, get a second opinion from a female. Without someone else to check, guys can wind up giving really awful gifts: ugly jewelry, clothes she’ll never wear, DVDs she’ll never watch, or something the guy clearly wanted himself. A bad gift is surprisingly worse than no gift. Don’t mess this up by doing it alone.

Presentation is Key

Even if you got a $500 cashmere sweater, if you just ball it up and stick a bow on it she will think you’re a bonehead. Wrap it carefully. Lay it out nicely and bring her into the room with her eyes closed to see it. Leave it as a surprise somewhere you know she’ll find it. You can earn big points with a small gift if you pay attention to how you give it to her.

This trick definitely helps if you can’t afford much more than candy. Check some crafts pages on www.pintrest.com for displays in jars or little boxes that cost next to nothing but show you put in the time to make this gift look nice.

High schools thrive on two things: 1) the fact that you have to be there; 2) drama.

Yes, it is nice to be able to talk through your thoughts and feelings about a girl or girls. Sure there should be someone you can trust with a secret in high school. But no matter what, you’ve got to be careful with what comes out of your mouth if it’s about a girl.

Anything a guy says about a girl that he would not want her to know he said will eventually get back to said girl and she will know that he said it.

She’s gonna know you said it. And you’re gonna regreat it.

Here are stupid things I have witnessed go from one dude’s mouth to a girl’s ear that made him look like a jerk and made her lose any interest in something romantic.

• She’s so cute but she can be kind of ditzy.
• I just heard she’s been with a lot of other dudes.
• Her legs are too big.
• I can’t stand her voice.
• I hate her friends.

What you think is a secret in high school is just the next thing to feed the drama-monster.

You can, however, use this rule to help you. If you know saying something will get back to a girl, you can drop very slight compliments about a girl that don’t reveal you’re head-over-heels crushing on her, but will make her think better about you in the future. Remember, whatever you say will get amplified so it has to be light and friendly.

“She always has the answer in algebra. I have no idea how she got so smart.”

• Becomes: “Yeah, Kevin thinks you’re really smart.”

“Her hair is pretty cool. She’s always doing something different with it.

• Turns into: “Josh was talking about your hair the other day and how much he likes it.”

“Have you ever seen her stuff in art class? It’s awesome.”

• Gets back to her as: “Mike was talking about how talented you are. I think he might like you.”

So no matter what, avoid saying anything negative. And if you can, drop small lines that communicate positive thoughts you have about her. The drama mill is strong. Don’t let it crush you. Instead make it work for you.

What does that guy have that I don’t? It may not be what you think!

It’s easy to look at a guy who gets a lot of attention from girls and point out clichéd possessions of his that you might think draws in all the ladies. But assumptions are usually untrue and this mindset doesn’t help anyone become more successful with the opposite sex. HUSH is going to give you a tour of things you don’t actually need to get lucky. Let’s start with this:

Cool Clothes

Wearing something new that you know is “in” right now makes you feel like a BAMF. You catch your own reflection whenever you pass a mirror or big window and you suspect everyone is approving your sense of style silently in his or her head. But you don’t need fresh threads every few weeks to achieve this. Two solutions are easier than this:

1. Ask a female friend, an older sister, or a guy with style that you trust to help you out. This will be admitting you feel vulnerable but it will help you a ton in knowing what you wear well. Ask for them to tell you what parts of your wardrobe you should never put on before being in public again. Figure out what things in your dresser make you look best. And find a few pieces to pair together in the future.

2. Think about the things in your closet on your own and how you feel when you wear each one. There are some things you put on and you feel unimportant, frumpy, and rather unremarkable. Avoid these at all times in the future unless you’re headed to the gym, cleaning the garage, or painting a wall. In every other situation wear the items that make you walk taller, that make you feel like you could be in some page of a magazine, and that people have commented positively on before. Sure it will limit what you wear. But doing this will help you feel more confident more often – which will help when you’re in front of females.

It’s not the clothes that make the man. So do you dude, in the duds you already have that make you feel fly.

Check back in to our You Don’t Need thread for other work arounds to common misconceptions of what you need to get girls.